The de Lints’ Overwhelming Eggnog

What you will need:

  • a dozen eggs
  • 500g berry sugar
  • 500 ml dark rum, because white rum has no character
  • 500 ml brandy, which lends an air of class
  • 500 ml more of either of the liquors, OR Grand Marnier OR Crème de Cacao
  • 2 litres heavy cream (30% – 36% fat… what, you want to live forever? Fine, then sub in one litre of “half & half” but keep one of the heavy stuff)
  • patience

How to proceed:

  1. Separate the eggs. You can toss the whites, save them for the optional step below, or make Pavlovas.
  2. Use a mixer combine the yolks and the sugar in a large bowl.
  3. Add 500ml of combined rum and brandy (no need to be picky; all rum, all brandy, half each– whatever’s easiest).
  4. Cover and let stand for an hour. Why? Because it helps to moderate the eggy flavour, and also because being stuck in that much sugar and alcohol will denature the protein not only of the eggs but also of any pathogens that are riding the eggs. There’s only one kind of sick you want to get from eggnog, and it’s not salmonella.
  5. Add remaining fluids, alternative dairy and booze, running mixer at low speed. High speed won’t do anything for the flavour, and will make a mess. Who needs extra work?
  6. Transfer to storage vessels (like all those empty liquor bottles, just like in the story) and refrigerate for at least three hours. Why? Same reason as the first pause– flavour integration and food safety. It takes time for bacteria to disintegrate. Three hours is the passable minimum, although science suggests you should have started in mid-November. Thus the call for patience.
  7. OPTIONAL; whisk egg whites to soft peak stage and fold into the rest ahead of serving. This makes for a festively frothy beverage, but also reduces the shelf-life. With the whites in, you’ll want to serve it all at once, at a party with lots of people to distribute it between. Without whites, I can confirm a viable drink as late as the following May; other sources suggest this kind of recipe may keep for years.
  8. Garnish with nutmeg according to preference. If too thick and/or ragingly alcoholic for your taste, add some milk to the glass. Don’t add it to the stored volume of eggnog, though– it won’t keep as well, and someone who likes it thick and angry will be sadly disappointed when they take a glass for themselves.